A Letter to Her Abuser

   How does one start with such sad eyes live everyday with a big smile?

I've tried to hold back these words. Thinking that as time went on my hurt, the hurt you caused would go away. It never did because for years, I've had a band aid on it.

I don't understand why the victim gets stuck with the reality of abuse. I'm really confused about this and would like to know how does that work? Why do I get blamed for my feelings and actions. What did I do to deserve this? I SHOULD HAVE TOLD. I'm so over crying and arguing about the choices I've made in my life regards to this entire situation. My voice has never been heard, I think now is the time.

Your apology was very weak. When the opportunity was given to you to speak up you chose the easy way out. That day in the basement, you got away with it all over again. I had my chance and I lost it because I didn't demand a real apology from you. Your apology should have BEEN extensive as this. I'm sorry, for waking you up at nine years old by fondling you undeveloped breast. I apologize for putting through this. I apologize for making you feel like you had to lay there frozen in confusion. I apologize for telling you not to tell when you opened your eyes. I apologize for telling you the reason you needed to do that was because your mother and I was having a hard time. I apologize for letting you believe it was okay for me to touch your vagina. I apologize for bribing you to let me put my mouth on your undeveloped breast. I apologize for putting my hands in your vagina, I apologize for putting my mouth on your breast and vagina. I apologize for asking you to give me hand jobs, and blow jobs. I apologize for having you take showers with me. I apologize for trying to penetrate you in the bathroom while everyone was asleep. I apologize for making your body deceive you. I apologize for abusing my role as your step father. I apologize for beating your mother. I apologize for calling you stupid. I apologize for making you feel unworthy. I apologize for taking away your innocence. I apologize for causing you so much pain. I apologize for calling your mother a bitch. I apologize for pointing a gun at your mother. I apologize for making you feel so unsafe. That you had to run out of the house and hoped on the train. You tried to get away from my actions. I apologize for making your mother miscarry. I apologize for your brother having so many insecurities. I apologize for your insecurities. I apologize for fucking up your child life, adult life, your relationship with guys,and your children father. I apologize for for it all. 
Need I say more of what your apology should have been? You messed up and you me up. What hurts the most is that I called you daddy. You can't possibly feel what I feel when my mother calls me, or text me to ask why I don't reach out to you? I don't have to. I don't owe you, her or anyone else anything. I held all my feelings in for way too long. You stole my happy.  I'm so unhappy now and it all leads back to you.

 I have triggers from all this shit. Because of you I started having sex at 12. Because of you I was having sex with the neighborhood hoe. You know what made that situation worse, my mother made me tell you I was having sex when it was your damn fault. She had no damn idea. I should have told. You ruined me. When I met someone that at the time meant the world to me. You fucked that up too, I found comfort in compliments, food a my music.  I wasn't allowed to do anything. I was 19, 20 and you still thought you had the right to enforce rules. All the shit you took away from me. Doesn't even compare to what I'm going through with my mother right now. She's still on your side. Shit, is that love? I don't want that kind of for better or for worse. Y'all can have that. You fucked up our way of thinking. Your a mean man. Your still having your way, and don't even know it. Or do you? You hurt me, your actions hurt me. The sad part is that it's been years since you put your nasty hands on me and I still feel like I'm being abused. It's time to let go of it all. I want no part of it... You never kept it real. You made my mother think it was because you were on drugs. You made her think you didn't remember. You remember, if you can remember camp stories you can remember what you did. I'm tired of sweeping it under the rug. Remember when you said that to me? Because of you I don't know how to love or be loved. I'm taking my life back. I owe no one but God!! 

Social Media Defines Our Self Worth

    Photo Credit: theodysseyonline.com

What example are we to our future generation of woman? Can we start giving a damn. These days we rely on everything but what we were taught  and common sense to inspire us. Society and social media has influenced many into pimping themselves for attention. Endless selfies and compromising your self worth should really be getting old. What are you advertising ladies? I see more of a females anatomy rather than, her accomplishments all over social media. Women are out here sleeping with someone else husband like its a game. I know this isn't new. It seems to me like being the side chick and having a side nigga is a trend. Don't get me wrong. I too like taking selfies and posting them every now and then. I'm all for a confident female. I'm just not understanding our need to feel worthy based on like validations. We need to do better. No one deserves to be treated disrespectful because of their choice of clothing. We should be mindful that of our behavior when presenting ourselves. It goes hand in hand. We are what we attract. 

If we can't learn to love ourselves, how do you expect the next person to do so? I'm not trying to take anything away from anyone that got it going on. I just want us to realize we can no longer blame  men for coming at us for sex if that's what we are advertising.  Remember sex sells, and all potential buyers get tired of their purchases after awhile. Eventually they go out for something that is of better quality. 

The World We Live In

Photo Credit:ibtimes.co.uk

This world we live in...  People are so hateful it's sucking the energy out of me. I'm tired of turning on the news, or scrolling on my news feed and seeing the same sad story. Another Black man killed at the hands of law enforcement. But for some strange reason they are exempt from the very same law that's designed to "so called protect us". Mothers are killing, neglecting/ and abusing their precious babies, men abusing and disrespecting woman or vice/versa. Black on Black Crime, hell crime in general. Every time I turn around someone posting a fight. No one breaking it up because they are too busy recording it. Females choose to forget what the words "respect yourself mean". They won't respect us if we don't respect ourselves first. It's sad to know we get high off  social media likes, c'mon this shit is crazy. The world is full SELFIES and Dumb ASSES. Y'all showing off all your assets to the damn world just for a dollar and attention. WHY? Why are we letting men define our happiness. A temporary compliment that leaves us dependent and with a life of future disappointments. I know, I'm not the only one tripping over the radio because it has gotten so out of hand. Our kids are out here singing these songs like they own them. The day one of my sons asked me if I liked Truffle Butter, I almost died. Yes we can censor what our kids see and hear but once they are out in this crazy world, whether it be a school or playing with their friends they are heavily influenced by this nonsense. Some time I find myself singing along too a catchy beat and hook. I will admit, it will have me for a minute. When I actually sit back and listen to the lyrics I cringe. We don't stand for anything until something bad happens to us. Why only then? We can come together and have one voice for injustice; So what's the problem with coming together to make sure we stay on track? We stand in lines for the latest sneaker, females think it's hot to look like these chick on these reality shows. Why do we choose to be so blind to all of this is distraction? We can make such a difference if we used our damn heads. Stop trying to keep up with the next and think about your future, your kids future. Because the way things are going isn't looking so great.